Pastor Jesus: You’re Fired!

15 May

Hey, did you hear about the emergency church meeting our Leadership Team held last night about Pastor Jesus? Oh, you didn’t? Well, let me bring you up to speed about it—so you can pray about it, of course. We don’t want to get caught up in gossiping, now do we?

What’s that? Was he at the meeting? Oh, no, of course not. Sometimes for the good of everybody, you must talk about people without them being there. Didn’t you know that? Besides, we’re all in unity about it, and the Bible says that church unity is important. Anyway, we’re going to do a “Matthew 18” on him later. You have to go by the book when it comes to situations like this. Luckily for us, the Bible is the great rule book for all of life, so we have the mandate for how to deal with just such a situation like this one.

Well, the whole thing is about his sermons, if I’m being totally honest with you. The truth is, we’re all fed up—we just can’t take it anymore! Haven’t you been frustrated too? Look—don’t you remember what happened last year? When the Pulpit Search Committee finally made the prayerful decision to hire Pastor Jesus, what did we tell him we were looking for in a pastor? You know, the job description. Well, we really didn’t have one exactly, you know written out and all, but we let him know pretty much what we wanted. I mean, he should’ve figured it out—it’s not that hard, after all. The whole thing comes down to this: him figuring out what our expectations were, at the end of the day. But he obviously wasn’t very good at managing expectations—neither his, nor ours.

We told him back then that what we wanted, above everything else, was that he should preach “real sermons.” You know what I’m describing here: the kind of sermons that speak to real-life problems and issues. We’re talking good, solid, expository sermons. You know, the kind of sermons that “unpack” the Bible and explain everything nice and clearly. A main point, with some nice bullet points underneath. And would a little alliteration kill him, every once in a while? Sure makes note-taking a lot easier. And a real sermon should have lots of practical applications at the end, too. Otherwise, what good are they anyway? Yeah, that’s exactly what I said too.

You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Exactly. The point is right there, as plain as the nose on your face. But ever since he took over the job, our expectations for his preaching have been far from satisfactorily met. Pastor Jesus’ sermons are way off the mark when it comes to that stuff. Don’t you remember some of his “sermons”? Yeah, if you’re like me, you probably slept through most of ‘em anyway.

Look, here’s the truth of the matter: you can hardly call most of his ramblings sermons anyway. All the guy ever does is tell stories, really! You know, at first I had to admit that his story preaching thing was kind of interesting. Sure, everybody loves a good story now and then. Every famous preacher uses illustrations, right? Of course they do. But this has gotten ridiculous. We’re not a bunch of children in Sunday School, after all—we need to move past the cute stories and get into some real solid teaching from the Bible.

As we discussed the situation last night, we came to the realization that in truth, the major problem we’re all having is not so much the stories—I think we could handle some of that stuff—it’s this: Pastor Jesus hardly ever explains what he’s talking about! If anything, he’s gotten even more obscure as time goes on. Just between you and me and the wall, everybody in the church I’ve talked to thinks so too. I don’t know what they taught him in seminary. I would seriously doubt if he’s even taken a single homiletics class. If he did, then he sure wasn’t paying attention to what constitutes a decent sermon.

What do I mean? I’m not just ranting and raving here. I’ve got some evidence to back up the claim, too. I’ll give you an example: remember the one sermon he preached a while ago? The story about some guy sowing seeds, or whatever, in different places, and some different stuff happened to the seeds? The thing of it is, all he did was tell the story about the seeds, and then simply walked off the stage. Boom. Never even explained it.

I’ll tell you, after all the other stunts he’s pulled, he didn’t get away with that one. That was the last straw. Our leadership team went up to him right after the service and confronted him. We asked him: “Hey Pastor Jesus… What in the world was that sermon about? Rocks? Birds? Seeds? Dirt? What does that have to do with anything? Can you please explain it to us?”

OK, sounds like a reasonable request, doesn’t it? That’s what I said! But you’re not gonna believe what his response was. Oh yeah, he eventually explained it—but he went off! The first thing out of his mouth was, “But if you don’t understand this story, how are you going to understand the others I’m going to tell?” That says to me—oh great, more stories. That says to me—unteachable attitude. That says to me—we need to do something, but quick. A pastor has got to lead by example, after all, and what we’re seeing from Pastor Jesus is troubling, to say the very least.

Well, just to let you know, we’re tired of his obstructionist attitude. We’ve had enough. I mean, come on—aren’t you tired of hearing his stories about fish in nets, lamps under a basket, wine and wineskins, mustard seeds and birds, wheat and weeds? I can’t even remember half of ‘em. And I’ll tell you something else—the leadership team is getting tired of this charade. Every week now it seems, we end up having to go up after the service, and ask Pastor Jesus what these stories mean. Half the time, he doesn’t even bother giving out an explanation anymore.

Don’t you see what’s going on around here? Pastor Jesus is busy isolating everybody in the church with this stuff! He’s actively driving people out the door. Just look at the numbers! Several families have made the decision to head on down the road. Just a few weeks ago, we lost a whole load of people after Jesus preached that freaky sermon about “eating his flesh and drinking his blood” or whatever. I thought it was just a Halloween stunt or something. Turns out it wasn’t a joke. Tithing is down, too; now he’s putting us in financial trouble, as if all the other stuff weren’t bad enough. Just between you and me, his paycheck will be the first thing that gets cut if any more people leave the church! We’ll see how he likes that.

Here’s what we finally faced up to: the fact is, if this keeps up, if we don’t do something about this problem soon, there’s going to be nobody left. And the worst thing is, Pastor Jesus isn’t at all apologetic about what he’s doing. Every time we confront him about his terrible attitude and his lousy preaching, all he does is say stuff like, “You need to pay attention and understand what I’m saying. If you work at it, and really understand, you’ll understand more. If you don’t engage, what little you do have will be taken away from you.” Talk about an ego trip. Is this the attitude of a pastor, a real shepherd? I think not, and I’m sure you and everybody else agree.

I’ll tell you something right now, in confidence, of course: this whole attitude of his is just plain wrong. It’s certainly unbiblical. Honestly, I can’t figure out for the life of me how Pastor Jesus can say such hurtful things to his faithful flock. Last night we sat around trying to figure out how in the world we ended up making the decision to hire the guy in the first place! Obviously our prayers weren’t answered, even though we fasted and prayed at the time. I just can’t see how, or why, God would let our beloved church down so badly.

Well, I’m saying something straight up—please don’t tell anybody I told you this—but pretty quick here, Pastor Jesus is going to be looking for his next church.

Read the Next Post: Vote for the New Pastor!

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